Cheapo-Veterinary 1.800.DEA.DPET
We're so Cheapo that your pet may not survive

(Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff says, "This website is opinion based and for entertainment purposes only!")

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killin' them softly......... IN THE FACE!

 

Dr. Killem (Owner): Dr. Killem enjoys moonlight walks on the beach, frolicking in the woods fondly remembering his pot smoking hippy days, & he works very little in the clinic. Rather he prefers to  spy on staff and clients from home, via Internet cameras strategically placed around the facility. This is how he stays in the know, making sure he squeezes out every ounce of profit from his clients & staff. Dr. Killem loves to hire unsuspecting vets by luring them into what appears to be a high dollar salary. What he doesn’t tell them is that they’ll be working their ass off in a Haitian sweatshop type environment diligently for the greater good. Then it’s up to that doc to keep the pace if they want to continue getting paid. If you don’t believe it, just looK at the sheer number of vet turnovers that Dr. Killem has had over the last several years as proof. The only vets that stay are vets that no one else wants, bottom feeders that have washed out of a general full service practice. Dr. Killem is the vet that instituted the policy of using the same surgical pack for multiple pets & saving money by forcefully gassing down the pet until it panics, hyperventilates and gags in enough anesthesia to eventually make it pass out or it dies because we don’t check proper blood values. Just another savings tip from Cheapo-vet.  Great care Dr. KIllem, you’re the best. Dr. Killem is constantly running ads for staff because the turnover rate is really that high here at Cheapo-Vet. Come on folks come join our team of washouts, unemployables, hacks, dickheads, deadbeats & idiots staff excellence incarnate. 

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Dr. Hackbert Pinhead (Owner): Has opened several Cheapo-vet type locations over the years. He has a keen eye for a bargain & attends swap meets & garage sales regularly (That's where he buys most of the equipment used at Cheapo-vet.) Dr. Pinhead is an avid hunter and killer of animals both wild and domestic. He helped Cheapo-Vet figure out how to trap the unsuspecting pet owner that doesn’t understand the difference between Cheapo-vet care and full service pet care. “It’s all about the cash. Not the care.” “Turn 'em and burn 'em.” Here at Cheapo-vet we attempt to tell clients that all full service vet clinics (anyone that is not Cheapo) are ripping people off and that full service fees are simply too high. What we’re not telling people is the trade secret, shhhh don’t tell anyone,…. We cut corners so bad that it borders on malpractice. When the malpractice line is crossed (daily) we threaten our staff & cover our asses to make sure the story doesn’t get out. Most of the “routine” treatments that we do here at Cheapo-Vet come off as less expensive because we’re not solving the problem, we’re just “throwing pills at it” and you have to come back over, and over again to treat the same problem.

Really all we're doing is treating the "symptoms" of the problem and NOT treating the root cause of the problem itself. We're experts at finding ways to make you, the owner, feel better by administering temporary relief to your pet then telling you; "that's all that can be done." After all, you wouldn't question us now would you? In the absence of a real professional vet, we're the expert!- Right?! One of the other tricks that we use is to convince the client that “your pet has a chronic problem that you’re just going to have to manage throughout its life”. That’s code for.. "you need to come back to Cheapo-vet 40 times so we can throw more pills at it and still never solve the problem." At the end of the day, you’ll have spent significantly more money than you would have at the full service vet. Most good quality vets start by getting to the bottom of the problem straight away. You’d actually save money over the long run at the full service vet where you and your pet would be happier resolving the issue quickly, correctly & cost effectively. But let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about how we can get you to come in to Cheapo-Vet every other day.

BTW Dr. Pinhead has a stellar personality that may not be seen on the surface by most clients. One of his best traits is to aggressively corner unsuspecting vendors & staff, that are just trying to do their jobs, and he'll start freaking out on them, yelling and screaming like total idiot when he doesn't like something that's happened here at Cheapo-vet. Because Dr. Pinhead is a bipolar, dick nose with anger and compensation issues. He runs his clinic with an iron fist, bullies his staff and partners when he doesn’t get his way, and throws temper tantrums like a 5 year old spoiled child. In fact he’s such an a-hole that his own family won’t even work with him anymore. Many of his former partnerships have resulted in legal action just to be rid of him. The general public should carefully weigh their options before considering a discount provider. Do your homework, go visit other facilities.

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**There is a bit of unfriendly friendly competition between Dr. Killem and Dr. Pinhead. They are both cut from the same cloth. However Dr. Killem is nothing more than a crusty paranoid has been that has coat tailed on Dr. Pinhead for years. Sorry buddy the party’s over. Dr. Pinhead doesn’t care for pets or people, he just cares about profits. He opens Cheapo-vets then sells them to unsuspecting younger vets that have to raise prices to keep their newly bought businesses afloat. At that point Cheapo-Vet is Cheap in name only and it takes the client a long time to figure out that Cheapo-vet is really the same price as every other full service vet in town minus the appropriate medical care & personalization. 

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Killn' them softly..........................IN THE FACE!

 Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff (Owner): 

Dr. Redi Culous:

Dr. Clue Less:


 Dr. Cinderella Princess: "OMG! You want me to do what? Oh, I don't think so! I get paid to show up, take the cases that I want, then dump the tough stuff off on everyone else. Or we could just ship it all to the E.R. because I don't give a CRAP!" "Damn it you made me break a nail, you A-Hole!!" 

Dr. Hindi Jer Kholio:

Dr. Ivory T. Ower:

I’m one of those “specialists” that is such a prick that I have to hide behind real everyday hardworking Veterinarians. If I didn’t I’d starve to death. I’m such an asshole that general public hates dealing with my arrogant shit, but if I coat-tail behind other vets, THEY  have to deal with John Q Public, not me. I get my ego fed by my daily proclamation of how much smarter I am than the rest of the world. I believe I’m special and God like and I have no problems telling people that. I behave like a pompous, dickhead in most life situations to ensure the world knows what I believe my worth to be. I look down my nose at a world full of minions that I wipe my feet on every day, sitting upon my Godly Throne, in my Ivory Towner! “Piss off and be gone, peasants of the world, you are all beneath me.”


Dr. Relief Chargestomuchforwhatyouget:

(This doesn’t apply to all, just something like 80%)   I went to school to be a veterinarian, for the most part I’m not really that good at it, yet I need to make money. My people skills are crap,my medicine is either old, weak, inexperienced, or just plain bad. I only want to work three days a week, (but I have a three week minimum) I don’t do surgery, I can only see certain pets, I need hour long appointment times, I won’t see more than 5 pets per day, I demand a 3 hour paid lunch, you will pay me for commuter time to and from, I’m going to stir up your entire staff and your client base, go off into some psychotic left field with your good clients and let you clean up my disaster. Oh, and when I can’t figure out 3 out of 4 appointments, I’m going to refer them all to a specialist or the local ER. $375/hr (what a bargain) ;)

Dr. E. Ville:

Dr. Doofus:

“GREAT Scott! Marty! We’ve got to fix the Flux Capacitor and get back to 1985, so I can retrieve the Combiotic to treat these pets! The others we can just throw steroids at and tell the clients their pet has a lifelong condition that requires them to come in to CheapoVet once a week for life. Then when the pet is Cushingoid (thanks to the steroids) we’ll just blame it on bad luck. Ooops.”

 

Dr. V.P. (Vendetta Punisher): "I will make your life miserable until I find someone else to pick on!" 

 

Dr. Witchy Bitchy: "I'd fix you, AND your little dog too! But I don't know what the parts look like!? Cuz I'm a CheapoVet!"  

 

Sr. Prise: We mangled your pet but we're gonna tell you, "everything went great!"


Dr. Freelove:

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Batshit Crazy Kathy: (Assistant) Kathy is a very conscientious staff member when she’s not stoned out of her mind from her prescription meds. After all, they were prescribed by a doctor, so it must be ok to take 1 or 20 during work. Kathy is VERY happy and pleasant to be around and tries to help clients by giving them the wrong information regarding pet care. Really who cares anyway cuz here at Cheapo Vet you get what you pay for. If you want real answers you’re gonna have to go to one of those full service facilities where they actually know what they’re talking about. 

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Injur Y Claimer: (Assistant) Has been with Cheapo Vet for 15 minutes now and has shown himself to be a stellar employee. In his first 15 minutes he has managed to slip and fall twice on a floor, wet with his own pee, when he got scared while restraining an overly aggressive Chihuahua. During this encounter Injur also sprained both wrists, twisted his neck, developed scoliosis, stubbed his toe, squirted a Rabies vaccine into his left eye, broke a nail, got a migraine, and crapped his pants. Luckily he has L&I and his attorney on speed dial. So far the claim total is up to 18.5 million and climbing. It’s been a busy 15 minutes for poor Injur. One of the ways that we save money here at Cheapo Vet is that we don’t pay our taxes or insurance. It’s Cheaper to just bankrupt the Cheapo Vet entity and reopen under a different discount name tomorrow. “Hey boys and girls help us think of some other discount names that we can use next month when we get sued by a staff person or client. How many can you name?” Please submit them on the contact us page of our website. (Hacks for Less, Value Tards, Afford-A-Feeble, Discount Doofus, Jiffy Vet, Joke in the Box, you get the idea.)

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Unem Ploy Mental: (Reception) Unem works wherever she’s needed in the clinic. She’s been with us for 680 hours & that means that her time is about up. You see Unem has an expiration date, she works just long enough to build a little reserve fund/welfare check with the state. Then she does whatever it takes to get laid off or fired so she can get her free money. Unem deserves her free unemployment money because she works soooo hard, sometimes SEVEN days a week! (5.3hrs a day) Even though there are 18.7 more hours in the day, 10.7hrs after sleep…. Let me say that again…… 10.7 hrs PER DAY, left over after sleep!!! Working seven days without two days off in a row is just crazy! Unem has a grade school mentality where you go to school M-F 8-3 and get the weekend off to vegetate. In fact it would be even better if Cheapo Vet would pay her the $100/hr that she thinks she’s worth and then she could work four (4) hours a week and still make her wage. But that would ruin her free money, so..?  Unem is such a great and dedicated employee she deserves that welfare check. With her abundance of free time Unem enjoys watching reality TV and day dreaming about getting off her ass and doing exhausting things like: Face booking, getting dressed, going to the mall and eating out. 

Melanie Steels Yublind: 

This is the person that “accidently” takes home reams of paper, pens, markers, flea products, pet food, batteries, computers, cash, whatever. “I work here, it’s all free, isn’t it?”


Gossiping Goonilla: 

This is the employee that can’t shut his/her mouth if the world depended on it! Mouth is CONSTANTLY running, NON-STOP, ALL DAY, EVERYDAY! This person is very close to being schizophrenic, is likely a pathological liar, is on some kind of motor mouth drugs, and they should not be allowed to drive or interact with clients and pets EVER!! When there is nothing else to blab about, everything out of their mouth has to be some type of metrotarded TV sitcom comeback dribble to every human interaction requiring speech. This person is one Xanax away from a life threatening event, don’t be near them when that balloon pops, it’s gonna be messy.

Sneaky Smithers:

Camay Careless: 

Justa  Collectnapaycheck: 

Sally Pigpen: 

JC Roughouse: ("It") JC has core traits similar to many other Cheapovet employees. JC is in a long term leadership role here at Cheapovet having access to company files, certain financial data, vendors as well as the "ear" of every other staff person. JC has a strong background in chasing off other staff members by making up rumors and lies to protect "it's" interest on the job here at Cheapovet. Regimentation is the order of the day with JC.... ABCDEFG.... 123456789.... black & white, left & right, green eggs and ham-Sam I am... JC was "trained" on the job here at Cheapovet, after many years "It" learned to count past 9, all the way to 20! Yay! JC also revealed that "it's a good thing that wheels are round," otherwise they wouldn't work so well. Being trained like a primate in captivity makes JC really shine if all "It" has to do is ring the bell and get a reward. JC is clueless about the how’s and why's of pet medicine. So for Cheapovet it’s good that JC's has the working IQ of a flatulent house plant. Here at Cheapovet we encourage other discount clinics to look at JC as a model employee. JC is always on time, fully informed about the legal requirements for every aspect of the Cheapovet operation. JC keeps us on our toes by calling state & local regulatory agencies every 10 minutes regarding a whole host of perceived infractions. JC would have made a good union boss if kindergarten was considered a job. That way JC could negotiate for union type benefits for all: (Paid medical, 50 weeks of paid vacation, 25 weeks of paid sick time, a free house, free car, paid clothing allowance, free groceries, AND all the free crayons and coloring books they make!!! Yaaaay!! 

Billy Monkey Boy:

This person works hard every day to be a “stage actor” & stereotype. Overly dramatic, contemptibly stupid, throws feces and other bodily fluids when unhappy with something, a real personality plus. We love him here at Cheapovet.

 

Yolanda Holy Shit:

This is one of the many unemployables here at CheapoVet. No one else in their right mind would ever employ this person, so working at Cheapo is all that’s left. This person has one or more of the following traits that makes them intolerable to most humanoid employers:

  1. Sooooooo overly politically correct; “I don’t like it.” “You have to stop that, cuz it offends me.”, “I’m offended that you offended me while I was trying to tell on her for offending him, during an offensive comment that retroactively offending a civil rights group from the 60’s, causing the offense of the future person in the first place!” “I’m telling.”
  2. I’m telling on you; “You can’t do that!” “The law says that you can’t or you have to or whatever!” “I read it this morning on Google, it has to be true.” “To force your hand, I’m calling every regulatory agency in the book” (behind your back of course while pretending to be unaware to your face) “I’m such an activist fuckup that I believe I’m doing the right thing to help my fellow whomevers."
  3. The Activist; “I’m going to champion (during work hours) every cause that sounds good, though I don’t have a clue really what that cause is, or why I’m doing it.” “I’m a brainless, invertebrate pinhead.”
  4. Toxic Mutant; This is the employee that worms his/her way into the staff like flea infestation on a sheep dog. This person usually interviews very well and has many surface traits that sound great during the trial period. However just like a vampire, they lay in wait, as you and your staff are the next victim of this rabid blood sucking creature. These types usually never stay at any job more than a few months, at most, a couple of years before things go to hell on a snot rocket. Once in the door, they immediately retain the cell phone numbers of every employee, they friend the whole staff on Facebook, they become instant best friends with associate doctors, (regardless of gender or age). Now they have you. They slowly start shifting the tide in an attempt to get whatever they want. By communicating with the majority of others behind your back, they build a coalition to force their will upon the unsuspecting authority or minority. After months of poisoning your team & clients, this mutant usually self-ignites and goes out in what they believe to be a blaze of glory. A virtual cacophony of expletives, finger and hand gestures, a whole bunch of bobble heading, doors slamming, tire squealing… They usually end up taking 2-3 other staff with them when they finally melt down. Awesome!